hello would you please tell me your name?
good bye she said so suddenly
is this her secret admiration for me keeping her away
or is this her way of nicely shunning out my existance
could it be she's got the hots for me
or maybe she's disgusted by me
god I hope this repelent spray is fading
for one look at her and i am melting
do you think secretly she writes about me
makes me her man in armor
in every story she'll tell
or am i the lonesome hunch back
who stands in the background of every tale told
do you think she'll ever love me,
the way i love her
or do you think my face scares her off
am i this horrible
that she can't look me in the eye
or is that because she's nervous
lost the words to say
or are the words only horrible
and should be kept away
to not hurt me
wil this girl ever see me for the man i could be
will she ever give me that chance?
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Memoir, Beginning of Chapter 2
The next morning I awoke with a start, visions from my nightmare still fresh in my mind. A single image replays over an over in my head, of me stuck on a cliff, Dylan walking toward me. I’ve got nowhere to go, so I jump off the edge, I never see myself hit the ground, but I wish I could have, to end these awful feelings. Once my nerves calm, I swing my legs over my make-shift table bed, and head to the bathroom. I splash some water on my face, pausing to just stare at myself for a bit. Nothing about me looks the same as before; I’ve changed, I don’t see the thirteen year old girl I came here as. No, not anymore, the innocence in me is already starting to fade, its wilting away.
After I get dressed I head out to where everyone else is sitting. All the younger people; my cousin’s and I, have decided to venture down to the creek at the other side of the campsite. There’s always millions of baby salmon swimming in that creek every year at this time. Naturally, the boys all get right into the water, trying to catch them with plastic cups. All that is except for Dylan, he chose to stand back with me; oh how I wished he would have jut left me alone. The other girls all went out to pick huckleberries, to use as bait. They were having so much fun, all of them, laughing, goofing off, and being a family. I wanted to join them, but I knew I couldn’t. My focus was on Dylan, who kept reaching for my privates when ever no one was looking.
“Dylan cut it out! You know someone is going to see you if you continue to do this.”
“Not if you keep your voice down they wont. You don’t want your brothers to see something like this now do you?”
He had me there; of course I didn’t want that kind of burden put upon them.
After I get dressed I head out to where everyone else is sitting. All the younger people; my cousin’s and I, have decided to venture down to the creek at the other side of the campsite. There’s always millions of baby salmon swimming in that creek every year at this time. Naturally, the boys all get right into the water, trying to catch them with plastic cups. All that is except for Dylan, he chose to stand back with me; oh how I wished he would have jut left me alone. The other girls all went out to pick huckleberries, to use as bait. They were having so much fun, all of them, laughing, goofing off, and being a family. I wanted to join them, but I knew I couldn’t. My focus was on Dylan, who kept reaching for my privates when ever no one was looking.
“Dylan cut it out! You know someone is going to see you if you continue to do this.”
“Not if you keep your voice down they wont. You don’t want your brothers to see something like this now do you?”
He had me there; of course I didn’t want that kind of burden put upon them.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Ronnie's Daddy
The class room was filled with noise, children were screaming, a lonely teacher was yelling, and blocks came crashing down. I clung to my Father’s leg; like a monkey on a swaying tree branch, with a pack of hungry lion’s awaiting the fall. Kindergarten was kind of like that jungle; every child did as they pleased. Each one with hunger filled eyes, and thirst that was just never satisfied with knowledge.
“Please don’t leave me here alone daddy! “ I pleaded.
“You will be fine sweetie, I promise. I’ll be back at noon to pick you up. At least try to make friends while you are here.”
With that, my Father left me; his only daughter, to fend for herself, amongst the jungle they call Kindergarten. I searched around, each potential friend didn’t seem right. Everyone had put up a wall as soon as they stepped through the door. Those wretched animals casted me out of the swimming hole, leaving me on my own. However there was one girl who caught my eye, she seemed decent enough. She sat in the corner of the classroom; unmoving, trying to blend in with the wall. She was the chameleon and I, the ugly duckling, trying to become a swan.
“Hello! I’m Jesse!” I put on my biggest smile for her, and my highest voice in hopes of approval. But she barely even looked at me, just nodded and said, “Ronnie.” I assumed that was an invitation and sat down beside her.
“What are you building?”
“A castle.”
“Wow Ronnie, it looks beeeauuutifullll! Can I help?”
“I guess.”
Before I knew it class was over, and my Father was standing at the door. I ran over to him, an waved goodbye to Ronnie.
“How was your first day sweetie?”
“Great! I made a new friend, her name is Ronnie, but she doesn’t talk much. We made a castle, well Ronnie did, but I helped. I can’t wait to go back tomorrow!”
Soon enough tomorrow was today, and I felt no need to cling to my Father’s leg. I came in by myself and sat down right next to Ronnie. Something felt off though, everyone else was in shorts, an t-shirts, but not Ronnie. Ronnie wore jean pants and a thick sweater.
“Aren’t you hot?”
“Um….” Ronnie looked down at her sleeves, tears forming in her eyes. “Can you keep a secret?”
“Of course, I’m an excellent secret keeper. Mommy and me used to share secrets a;; the time, before he passed away; but that’s okay, cause daddy said mommy’s in heaven, that she’s an angel. Angels can keep secrets forever, so I know mine are safe.”
“You can’t tell anyone Jesse, not even your daddy. Do you promise?”
“I super secret swear, cross my heart, and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye…..”
“Okay, okay, you can stop, I’ll tell you already!” Ronnie said while giggling.
Ronnie pulled me to the back of the classroom, and we hid amongst the cubbies. She told me about all the times her daddy hit her. She said it was all her fault that she pushes his buttons and that’s why he gets so mad. I told her over and over, it’s not your fault, but she wouldn’t believe me.
When my father came to pick me up, I said goodbye to Ronnie, and walked straight to the car.
“How was school today Sweetheart?”
“Fine.”
“Just fine? Anything you want to talk about?”
“No.”
The rest of the way home, I just stared out my window. I could feel tears pricking my eye, but I just pushed them aside with my sleeve. Ronnie’s stories kept replaying over and over in my head, I couldn’t grasp why he father got so mad, he had to hit her.
The days quickly turned to weeks, Ronnie’s bruises got worse and worse. She always showed me them, and I always kissed them better. One day Ronnie showed up with a broken arm, that was the final straw for me.
“How was school today Sweetie?”
“Daddy, I need to tell you something, but you have to super secret swear you’ll keep it a secret. Kay?”
“Go ahead Jesse; you know you can tell me anything.”
“Okay, well my friend Ronnie lies, every day. She wears sweaters to cover her bruises, and they’re always getting worse. Ronnie says she is a bad girl and deserves to be hit, but I don’t believe that. In church they teached me, every child is special. That no child is evil, but what about Daddy’s, can Daddy’s be evil?”
“Jesse, you don’t mean to say Ronnie’s father is beating her up do you?”
“Yes, she came to school today with a broken arm.”
My Father got furious when I told him how long I’d known about all this. He said he had to tell my teacher, that Ronnie could indeed be in danger. I pleaded and prayed through sobbing tears, but Daddy said he had to tell Ms. Gage.
The next day he told the teacher, I saw tears in my Father’s eyes for the first time since my Mom died. He and Ms. Gage hugged, and then he walked back over to me. He paused for a moment before saying, “Jesse, hunny, Ronnie won’t be coming to school today.”
“Why not? Is she sick?”
“No, not sick.”
“Did she move away?”
“Not exactly.”
“Then why not Daddy?”
“Ronnie won’t be coming back, but you don’t have to worry about her. She is safe now, up in heaven with Mommy and Jesus. Ronnie’s Daddy will never be able to hurt her again.”
I cried a river that day, and every night since. I never would have guessed that Ronnie’s Daddy would come back, for me. I’m sixteen now, but I never got to play with the other kids. Ronnie’s Daddy has kept me locked up in this basement since that fateful day. There was nothing Daddy could do to save me, Mr. Green killed him too. Now Mommy, Daddy and Ronnie are safe. I hope someday soon Ronnie’s Daddy will push me towards Jesus too. Instead of continuing to beat me to the point of black outs, and then pulling me from the light, just as I’m about to be saved.
I remember what my Father always used to tell me. If you want something, you have to work for it. Well I’m ready to work, if it means being free. Help me to be strong Jesus; for I know the journey could be long, and the road filled with bumps, but I know I’m ready to be saved by you.
“Please don’t leave me here alone daddy! “ I pleaded.
“You will be fine sweetie, I promise. I’ll be back at noon to pick you up. At least try to make friends while you are here.”
With that, my Father left me; his only daughter, to fend for herself, amongst the jungle they call Kindergarten. I searched around, each potential friend didn’t seem right. Everyone had put up a wall as soon as they stepped through the door. Those wretched animals casted me out of the swimming hole, leaving me on my own. However there was one girl who caught my eye, she seemed decent enough. She sat in the corner of the classroom; unmoving, trying to blend in with the wall. She was the chameleon and I, the ugly duckling, trying to become a swan.
“Hello! I’m Jesse!” I put on my biggest smile for her, and my highest voice in hopes of approval. But she barely even looked at me, just nodded and said, “Ronnie.” I assumed that was an invitation and sat down beside her.
“What are you building?”
“A castle.”
“Wow Ronnie, it looks beeeauuutifullll! Can I help?”
“I guess.”
Before I knew it class was over, and my Father was standing at the door. I ran over to him, an waved goodbye to Ronnie.
“How was your first day sweetie?”
“Great! I made a new friend, her name is Ronnie, but she doesn’t talk much. We made a castle, well Ronnie did, but I helped. I can’t wait to go back tomorrow!”
Soon enough tomorrow was today, and I felt no need to cling to my Father’s leg. I came in by myself and sat down right next to Ronnie. Something felt off though, everyone else was in shorts, an t-shirts, but not Ronnie. Ronnie wore jean pants and a thick sweater.
“Aren’t you hot?”
“Um….” Ronnie looked down at her sleeves, tears forming in her eyes. “Can you keep a secret?”
“Of course, I’m an excellent secret keeper. Mommy and me used to share secrets a;; the time, before he passed away; but that’s okay, cause daddy said mommy’s in heaven, that she’s an angel. Angels can keep secrets forever, so I know mine are safe.”
“You can’t tell anyone Jesse, not even your daddy. Do you promise?”
“I super secret swear, cross my heart, and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye…..”
“Okay, okay, you can stop, I’ll tell you already!” Ronnie said while giggling.
Ronnie pulled me to the back of the classroom, and we hid amongst the cubbies. She told me about all the times her daddy hit her. She said it was all her fault that she pushes his buttons and that’s why he gets so mad. I told her over and over, it’s not your fault, but she wouldn’t believe me.
When my father came to pick me up, I said goodbye to Ronnie, and walked straight to the car.
“How was school today Sweetheart?”
“Fine.”
“Just fine? Anything you want to talk about?”
“No.”
The rest of the way home, I just stared out my window. I could feel tears pricking my eye, but I just pushed them aside with my sleeve. Ronnie’s stories kept replaying over and over in my head, I couldn’t grasp why he father got so mad, he had to hit her.
The days quickly turned to weeks, Ronnie’s bruises got worse and worse. She always showed me them, and I always kissed them better. One day Ronnie showed up with a broken arm, that was the final straw for me.
“How was school today Sweetie?”
“Daddy, I need to tell you something, but you have to super secret swear you’ll keep it a secret. Kay?”
“Go ahead Jesse; you know you can tell me anything.”
“Okay, well my friend Ronnie lies, every day. She wears sweaters to cover her bruises, and they’re always getting worse. Ronnie says she is a bad girl and deserves to be hit, but I don’t believe that. In church they teached me, every child is special. That no child is evil, but what about Daddy’s, can Daddy’s be evil?”
“Jesse, you don’t mean to say Ronnie’s father is beating her up do you?”
“Yes, she came to school today with a broken arm.”
My Father got furious when I told him how long I’d known about all this. He said he had to tell my teacher, that Ronnie could indeed be in danger. I pleaded and prayed through sobbing tears, but Daddy said he had to tell Ms. Gage.
The next day he told the teacher, I saw tears in my Father’s eyes for the first time since my Mom died. He and Ms. Gage hugged, and then he walked back over to me. He paused for a moment before saying, “Jesse, hunny, Ronnie won’t be coming to school today.”
“Why not? Is she sick?”
“No, not sick.”
“Did she move away?”
“Not exactly.”
“Then why not Daddy?”
“Ronnie won’t be coming back, but you don’t have to worry about her. She is safe now, up in heaven with Mommy and Jesus. Ronnie’s Daddy will never be able to hurt her again.”
I cried a river that day, and every night since. I never would have guessed that Ronnie’s Daddy would come back, for me. I’m sixteen now, but I never got to play with the other kids. Ronnie’s Daddy has kept me locked up in this basement since that fateful day. There was nothing Daddy could do to save me, Mr. Green killed him too. Now Mommy, Daddy and Ronnie are safe. I hope someday soon Ronnie’s Daddy will push me towards Jesus too. Instead of continuing to beat me to the point of black outs, and then pulling me from the light, just as I’m about to be saved.
I remember what my Father always used to tell me. If you want something, you have to work for it. Well I’m ready to work, if it means being free. Help me to be strong Jesus; for I know the journey could be long, and the road filled with bumps, but I know I’m ready to be saved by you.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Email?
I've decided I'm not going to post anymore of my story Whisper in the Wind. Not that I don't want to share it, just that I don't want all of it out there on the internet where anyone could read it or take it and call it their own. So if you read it as I posted it and still want to read it, I am willing to email it to people lol :)
Anyways this is my writing blog so I'll post something from my memoir to make up for the lack of other writing material. This is the first real incident that occurs....
When we got there all the kids ran over to the swing, all that is, but Dylan and I. I went straight for the huckleberry bush, my picking bucket in hand. Just my luck, Dylan followed. At first I proceeded to pick and ignore him, but he wouldn’t have of it.
“So, do you always do this? Don’t you like to go out and have fun with everyone else?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but no. I’m scared of the swing, and I prefer to pick berries, ALONE.”
“I can take a hint you know, but I’m still staying. So what’s your underwear like today?” He brought his hand to my pants and pulled the front of my jeans forward; to take a peak. I slapped his hand away, but he brought it right back, and began rubbing the top of my panties.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?”
“Monkeys, huh? Cute.” He gave me another one of his creepy grins that sent shivers down my spine.
“I’m not sure who you think you are, but get the Fuck away from me!” I began to run, but Dylan grabbed hold of my wrist and yanked me back. Terror ran through me, quickly I threw my body to the floor. The force caused Dylan’s grip on me to loosen and I ran as fast as I could over to the group. Sheer terror was on my face, and everyone could see it. They looked at me, asked once if anything was wrong, my lie seemed to satisfy them. Not once did they ask that question again, for the whole afternoon, even though clearly something was in fact wrong.
Once the afternoon passed, and evening came about, everyone discussed finally heading out to Stewart to set up camp. So we all dispersed, this time I travelled there with my Dad and brothers,
Anyways this is my writing blog so I'll post something from my memoir to make up for the lack of other writing material. This is the first real incident that occurs....
When we got there all the kids ran over to the swing, all that is, but Dylan and I. I went straight for the huckleberry bush, my picking bucket in hand. Just my luck, Dylan followed. At first I proceeded to pick and ignore him, but he wouldn’t have of it.
“So, do you always do this? Don’t you like to go out and have fun with everyone else?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but no. I’m scared of the swing, and I prefer to pick berries, ALONE.”
“I can take a hint you know, but I’m still staying. So what’s your underwear like today?” He brought his hand to my pants and pulled the front of my jeans forward; to take a peak. I slapped his hand away, but he brought it right back, and began rubbing the top of my panties.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?”
“Monkeys, huh? Cute.” He gave me another one of his creepy grins that sent shivers down my spine.
“I’m not sure who you think you are, but get the Fuck away from me!” I began to run, but Dylan grabbed hold of my wrist and yanked me back. Terror ran through me, quickly I threw my body to the floor. The force caused Dylan’s grip on me to loosen and I ran as fast as I could over to the group. Sheer terror was on my face, and everyone could see it. They looked at me, asked once if anything was wrong, my lie seemed to satisfy them. Not once did they ask that question again, for the whole afternoon, even though clearly something was in fact wrong.
Once the afternoon passed, and evening came about, everyone discussed finally heading out to Stewart to set up camp. So we all dispersed, this time I travelled there with my Dad and brothers,
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Random part in Whisper in the Wind.
Aiden leans toward me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders, and kisses me long and hard. This, right here, right now, is what I've waited for, for so long, this moment, right here, feels like perfection. A thousand memories of Aiden and I flood my mind, each one as beautiful as the last. How could I ever have not wanted this? Everything about him sets me off in the best way possible, for a second I'll let myself forget all the times he has broken me. All the times Aiden led me on, shut me out; after all he did it all for me, he knew he was poison and that I should stay away. Really though, when have I ever listened to logic?
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Whisper in the Wind part 2 !
In my desperation to figure things out I turn my computer on and log onto my hotmail account. The first thing I do is email Aiden; I need to see if he feels the same way as me.
To: PhysicallyAiden@hotmail.com
From: SociallyAwkwardGurl@hotmail.com
Subject: Ever think about me?
So it finally happened, Ethan and I broke up. This could be permanent, depending on your reply to this message. I really like you Aiden, I know you know that already, but I want to make sure you understand it. Honestly speaking I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand, and kiss you any time of the day. To be able to tell you how I’m feeling and have you comfort me in a boyfriend way instead of our usual friend way. Maybe you don’t understand how strong my feelings are; because I’m willing to give up the one I love for you. Things between us aren’t the same are they used to be, you know? We seem to be fighting a lot, sometimes it’s over my feelings for you. I just want you to consider me, because I would easily give up everything for you.
To: SociallyAwkwardGurl@hotmail.com
From: PhysicallyAiden@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Ever think about me?
It would be silly of you to throw away your relationship for me. You should never give up the one you love for the one you like. Which is why I must decline your offer; I like you, but I am not willing to be that guy again. The one who tears apart a relationship, for his own benefit. I’m leaving that me in the past, sorry.
To: PhysicallyAiden@hotmail.com
From: SociallyAwkwardGurl@hotmail.com
Subject: Ever think about me?
So it finally happened, Ethan and I broke up. This could be permanent, depending on your reply to this message. I really like you Aiden, I know you know that already, but I want to make sure you understand it. Honestly speaking I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand, and kiss you any time of the day. To be able to tell you how I’m feeling and have you comfort me in a boyfriend way instead of our usual friend way. Maybe you don’t understand how strong my feelings are; because I’m willing to give up the one I love for you. Things between us aren’t the same are they used to be, you know? We seem to be fighting a lot, sometimes it’s over my feelings for you. I just want you to consider me, because I would easily give up everything for you.
To: SociallyAwkwardGurl@hotmail.com
From: PhysicallyAiden@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Ever think about me?
It would be silly of you to throw away your relationship for me. You should never give up the one you love for the one you like. Which is why I must decline your offer; I like you, but I am not willing to be that guy again. The one who tears apart a relationship, for his own benefit. I’m leaving that me in the past, sorry.
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