If I'd had the courage then that I have now.

Dylan’s words repeated over and over in my head, “No one would believe you anyways.” He was right, why bother to tell my Dad or my Mom, they would never believe me. I wish I was strong, strong enough to own up to what happened. Just thinking about it all brings tears to my eyes again. Why can’t I let this all go? Maybe he is right and no one would believe me, and our family would be torn. Or maybe, if I told his rain of terror over me would end, I could be free.

“Boo, are you in the computer room?”

“Yeah Dad, I’m in here.”

My dad appeared in the door way, as tears streamed down my cheeks. “Is something wrong?”

“Um, yes, but I’m not sure how to even tell you.”

“Boo, come one just try, should I get Sandy in here?”

Sandy is my Dads’ wife, and whenever I need to have a talk with him, it’s her I end up with. It’s hard for my Dad to talk about his feelings; it’s where I got that terrible habit of bottling things up from. Not this time, this time I was going to stand up for myself, and speak up. Like vomit it spurred out of my mouth in an instant.

“Dad, Dylan molested me this past week. First it just started out as crude comments, and then it progressed to touching.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner Boo?”

Why is it whenever you tell your parents something huge, it’s always, Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Can’t it just once be how can I help? Or come here I’ll hold you until you feel all better.

“I was scared you wouldn’t believe me, that Dylan would be really mad at me for speaking up, and that it would tear apart our family.”

“Have you told your mom yet?”

“No.”

“Maybe we should keep this between us. Are you sure it was all unwanted Boo? You guys seemed pretty chummy? You were kind of leading him on don’t you agree?”

Tears hit my cheeks and fell like waterfalls; did my Dad really just suggest I asked to be molested? Who asks to be touched by their third cousin? Who says don’t touch me, and tries to avoid that person, stricken with terror just at the call of their name, if they asked for it?

“What?”

“Look, all I’m saying is no need to get your mom involved if this isn’t really what happened.”

“Iiii’mmm nnnottt talkkkking tttooo yoooou abbout thiiiisss.” My words began to slur as the up heaving sobs hit me. I ran to the phone and dialled my Moms cell.

“Hello.”

“hiii.” I broke down, “Mom?” Like I don’t know it’s her on the phone with me. Ever notice when you are upset your words slur and you ask stupid questions? I often wonder why that is. “I have something to tell you.”

“What is wrong Sweetie?”

“Where do I even start? Um, well, this past week, I’ve been camping.”

“So I was aware.”

“And, um, well, I can’t say it.”

“Sweetie I’m not a mind reader, if you can’t say it, I can’t just guess it.”

“I wish you could. I, It’s not like I don’t want to tell you. It’s just, well, Dad didn’t believe me, and I’m so scared you won’t either. And, maybe it’s just not worth saying, never mind Mom, forget I called.”

“Wait, just one cotton picking minute! Do not hang up on me young lady. I know it’s hard for you, but just tell me what is wrong. I cannot help you if you do not tell me.”


“Okay, here it goes………… Dylan molested me.”

“What? Hunny are you okay?”

“No!”

We talked for a while, and she promised everything would be okay. It took everything I had to open up to her and tell her that. I’m glad I did, because if I hadn’t that secret would have ate at me. Things like that never really go away; they just fester in your thoughts if left unspoken, and tear down the walls you build to keep out the hurt. Dylan was charged, since he is only sixteen and not yet an adult he got off fairly well. He had to pay a fine to compensate for what I went through, and ended up in juvy for a year. Or family took my side, his parents ended up breaking up from the stress. His mom disappeared after that, and his dad still remains a close part in our family. We only ask that Dylan not be involved in any of the get togethers. He agreed to that, and to top it all off. Once Dylan graduates he is being listed as a child molester and will be flagged. Everyone in a two block radius must be notified if he moves into their neighbourhood.

I’ve been in therapy for a few months now, and I am making a lot of progress. It won’t be long before this will all just feel like a bad dream, and I will get to go back to being a kid. No one should have to grow up at thirteen. You’re still an innocent at that age, and you deserve to express that.

There's no taking it slow when you jump to the end first.

The hallways of the school were bare. All the students stuck in class, all except you and I.

"I'm not sure I can do this."

"What do you mean?"

"I feel bad, I've liked you for so long and now I know you like me too. But you're my best friends ex girlfriend. I know he still loves you. God! I'm such a horrible best friend. Here I am feeling sorry for him, when all I really want is to be with you."

"Then do it, be with me. We'll take things slow, get to know each other better, and when the time is right we'll be together."

"But I don't want to wait!" His fists clenched as he slammed them on the lockers. "I know I shouldn't, but....."

Suddenly my arms were above my head, pinned to the lockers behind me. A need for him to kiss me grew in my body. He kissed me hard; his lips felt soft upon mine. I could have stayed there forever in his arms, but the bell rang and students were piling into the halls. We separated and walked down the hall together, side by side, but never touching. I hated the feeling of having to hide my feelings, but loved the thought of getting caught even more.

You'll never really love me, nor I you.

I remember sitting on the bench with you, you looked sad that day. My mistake was asking why. You looked me in the eyes and said, it's her. She told me she loved me still, and hard as I try, I can't get her out of my head. I know things were fucked when I was with her and I never felt whole, But I miss her.

A tear pricked my eye and I tried to wipe it away before you could see, but you already saw it.

"What's wrong?" You asked.

"Nothing, nothing is wrong, I'm fine. If you still love her but everything was always fucked up maybe love just wasn't enough."

We argued back and forth for a while about what he should do. Finally he stopped and said, "Why do you care anyways?"

I yelled, "Because I think I might love you!" As soon as it was out, I wanted to take it all back. The expression on his face said it all, he didn't love me back.

"I'm sorry, I had no idea. If only you'd felt this way a few weeks ago, maybe we could have made this work. I'm just not ready to date anyone right now."

"I know, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. That was really dumb of me."

"No it wasn't, It's how you feel, nothing about how you feel could possibly be dumb."

"Tell you what, I'll wait for you. I won't date or do anything with anyone else, until you've figured this all out."

"I couldn't ask you to do that, who knows how long this could take me."

"You don't have to ask, I'm offering."

His resistance was futile and I knew he would never love me.

XXXXX

I would have done anything to keep you darling.

I remember looking through the window on the top floor of the school; I was searching for you. And there you were, sitting in the grass outside of the kinsmen center, crying into your lap. It took everything I had not to run out there to you, pull you into my arms and tell you everything you desperately needed to hear.

Instead I walked over there, with T. The bell rang for class and I had to go, but she stayed there with you. Holding you, listening to you, doing everything I wished I could have for you. When I got back you were already gone. She said you had just left not long ago; said to say goodbye to me, but I only felt a stabbing pain of guilt. I should have stayed, I should have comforted you, but I left it to her and lost you.

XXXXX

Boo!

I’m nervous about today; my Grandparents say they have a surprise in store for me. They won’t give me any hints as to what it is. They’ve been getting ready in the bathroom, as I stare out the window, hoping to find some sort of clue. I’m ready to call it quits, as a vehicle pulls up. In the driver’s seat of the truck is my Dad. This isn’t possible, he lives too far away to just show up unannounced. I spring up, and run out to see him, my arms wide.

“Daddy! What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to surprise you Boo.” (Boo is the nickname he gave me back when I was still in diapers. He’s never not called me it.)

“You drove all this way just to surprise me? I really doubt that, why are you here?”

He grinned, “Because I love you!”

I pulled out of our embrace, looked him in the eyes and whispered, “I love you too Daddy.”

In Progress

Because I
Never wondered where you were that night
Never asked
I wouldn’t question what you said
To me, all those times,
Even though I know you lied to me, I still tried.
Always coming back to you, broken down,
Defeated
You never cared for me at all, like you said, there’s no way,
You would have treated me, the way you did, had you loved me,
That’s how I know it was a lie,
You’re no good, by my side,
Now I’ve got to let you go, and move on with my life,
Baby just let me walk away, from you,
This time,
Because I’m running out of words to say to you,
You’ve left me one too many for me to just forget,
All the words and rumours spread, about you,
They were true,
Why can’t you stop will all the lies, to me,
And just be,
Honest with yourself for once, and with me?
Now just go.
I can’t stand to look you in the eyes one last time,
It’s no use,
I already know the you inside, so I beg,
I cry,
Please just leave me, this, time.