Whisper in the Wind

Tears begin to well, drowning my dark brown eyes, sliding down my cheek, and hitting my hand with damp warmth. My breath speeds up, and my cries turn to up heaving sobs, as I stare at Aiden’s empty words. Each line is filled with them, meaningless, pathetic attempts at letting me down easy, but they don’t work. I can feel my heart cracking, breaking into a million little pieces, this very second, right before my eyes. How could some one who seems so sweet, have this built up abundance, just waiting to hurt me? All Aiden ever does is play this stupid repetitive game with me. He implies that he wants me, tells me how great he would be to me, how fantastic we would be together; then BAM! like a truck he side swipes me. Tearing my world apart, letting me know that all I am is a part of his game.

Next part of my memoir.

So I walked out into the water with the rest, fully clothed, just to get away, but he followed. We found some frogs looking helpless in the water, as the salmon nipped at their tiny legs. I made a raft for them out of bark and leaves, and scrambled to get them all on it. They sat on the raft for a while, confused, and unsure where to go. To be honest, I felt the exact same way at the time.

One by one my cousins and brothers disappeared, once again leaving me alone with Dylan. My heart threw itself into over drive and began fluttering beyond my control. I tried to take long deep breaths, but nothing worked. My eyes kept darting looking for an escape, a wanderer, anything to save me from what was about to happen.

“Do you want to head back Marissa?”

More than anything, but not alone with you! Why did I believe even for a split second that by saying yes, he might take me straight back to camp, no funny business?

“Yeah, let’s go.”

We got no further than the bushy area and Dylan was already starting in again.

“So do the drapes match the carpet?”

“Excuse me?”

I’d never had anyone ask me that before, I wasn’t even entirely sure what it meant. But once he pulled out my pants and my underwear and said, “Yup they sure do,” I got a good idea of what he meant. It still grossed me out that he would even ask such a thing. What kind of sick pervert asks there cousin, sorry third cousin, those sort of questions?

When we returned everyone acted as though everything was normal, I’ll never get how they didn’t see that I needed help. How they didn’t get that something was wrong, why they never thought to ask if I was hiding something from them. They just stared, smiled and carried on with their conversations as per usual. Unaware that my life would never be the same, or that maybe one of them could have helped prevent what was about to come next. The easiest way I could explain it all to myself was that Dylan really was a good guy deep down. He was so nice most of the time, but when ever he got “Excited,” he turned on me. That’s when he touched me, and became enraged, I was terrified of him. No way would I have dared to turn against him.

Been a while, so here's something I just wrote. Not finished of course.

The blazing sun hits my skin the moment I step out the door. It glistens off my pale skin, an warmth overwhelms my body. A rush of excitement hits me when I see a car parked in the drive way. The same fuzzy feelings and butterflies arise, as the first day I laid eyes on him. I can remember it like it was yesterday. A few friends and I were walking to school. Just as we reached the parking lot, I caught a glimpse of him. His hair swooped over his forehead; hazel eyes barely peaking through, but I knew they were gorgeous. He was stunning, even in just a t-shirt and jeans. Only problem was the girl sized locket attached to his palm. I vowed that day that someway, somehow, this boy would be mine.

Before my brain has time to even process everything, my feet are running. They're locked onto him. Every part of my body just wants to be next o him. As I near the car, I realize we are not alone. He has a friend with him; disappointed I climb into the back seat.

"How are you?" His friend asks.

"Good thanks, how are you?" Great, small talk.

"Good."

We drive for a bit, but his friend gets bored of this, and pulls into the school parking lot; into the same strip I always met Him, on.


xxx

I hesitate when I see his truck parked outside the window. He's in the same spot he always parks in, but is he still here for me? A vibration in my pocket startles me. "Out front waiting," the text reads. That's all the confirmation I need to know he's all mine.

I've barely opened the door, and he's already pulling me near and kissing me. Sparks fly through me, but only I can see them, he's oblivious to how fast I'm falling for him.

"Where to?" He says in a hushed tone. His voice always has a lisp to it at this octaval, but I understand him perfectly, each and every time. I smile, "Anywhere but here!"

xxx

He gets out for a smoke, my hand reaches for the handle to follow, when I remember my eyes are still tear stained. I quickly wipe them with my sleeve, and he swings open my door.

"Coming out with us?"

I swing my legs out an stand; a little wobbly at first, but that all disappears when he pulls me in. Hugging me gently, and my heart soars . "Not so fast," Says the voice I always push to the back, "He's not yours remember." As if he is reading my thoughts, he lets go. leaving a cold chill where he used to be.

Monologue I started but never finished

It's funny how one day I'm sitting down crossing my legs. The toughest thing I'm fighting over is which leg will be dominant for the next twenty minutes; before I finally get fed up and just stand. Then BAM!

The next I'm walking down the street, going to the ol' corner store, when my left foot slips, causing me to stumble and fall. Conveniently a passing car manages to not see me fall, and runs right over my leg. Now the toughest thing I'm fighting for is, how am I going to tell my wife? The mother of my unborn child, still budding inside her. He'll never get to play ball with his old man like the other kids.

I can see how the conversation will pan out already.... Hey Sweetie, it's Jim... Yeah your husband, not the creepy man adjacent from us who stares at you as you sun tan in the backyard....How's my leg you ask? What a peculiar question.... Well the right one is jut fine, looking good and strong baby... Uh?.... The left one?.... What about it?.....Oh you saw the news.... Well why don't you ask the incompident clod who ran it over?... Oh that's right you can't, Because the Damn Bastard drove away.

A poem from Nov 2007

hello would you please tell me your name?
good bye she said so suddenly
is this her secret admiration for me keeping her away
or is this her way of nicely shunning out my existance
could it be she's got the hots for me
or maybe she's disgusted by me
god I hope this repelent spray is fading
for one look at her and i am melting
do you think secretly she writes about me
makes me her man in armor
in every story she'll tell
or am i the lonesome hunch back
who stands in the background of every tale told
do you think she'll ever love me,
the way i love her
or do you think my face scares her off
am i this horrible
that she can't look me in the eye
or is that because she's nervous
lost the words to say
or are the words only horrible
and should be kept away
to not hurt me
wil this girl ever see me for the man i could be
will she ever give me that chance?

Memoir, Beginning of Chapter 2

The next morning I awoke with a start, visions from my nightmare still fresh in my mind. A single image replays over an over in my head, of me stuck on a cliff, Dylan walking toward me. I’ve got nowhere to go, so I jump off the edge, I never see myself hit the ground, but I wish I could have, to end these awful feelings. Once my nerves calm, I swing my legs over my make-shift table bed, and head to the bathroom. I splash some water on my face, pausing to just stare at myself for a bit. Nothing about me looks the same as before; I’ve changed, I don’t see the thirteen year old girl I came here as. No, not anymore, the innocence in me is already starting to fade, its wilting away.

After I get dressed I head out to where everyone else is sitting. All the younger people; my cousin’s and I, have decided to venture down to the creek at the other side of the campsite. There’s always millions of baby salmon swimming in that creek every year at this time. Naturally, the boys all get right into the water, trying to catch them with plastic cups. All that is except for Dylan, he chose to stand back with me; oh how I wished he would have jut left me alone. The other girls all went out to pick huckleberries, to use as bait. They were having so much fun, all of them, laughing, goofing off, and being a family. I wanted to join them, but I knew I couldn’t. My focus was on Dylan, who kept reaching for my privates when ever no one was looking.

“Dylan cut it out! You know someone is going to see you if you continue to do this.”

“Not if you keep your voice down they wont. You don’t want your brothers to see something like this now do you?”

He had me there; of course I didn’t want that kind of burden put upon them.

Ronnie's Daddy

The class room was filled with noise, children were screaming, a lonely teacher was yelling, and blocks came crashing down. I clung to my Father’s leg; like a monkey on a swaying tree branch, with a pack of hungry lion’s awaiting the fall. Kindergarten was kind of like that jungle; every child did as they pleased. Each one with hunger filled eyes, and thirst that was just never satisfied with knowledge.

“Please don’t leave me here alone daddy! “ I pleaded.

“You will be fine sweetie, I promise. I’ll be back at noon to pick you up. At least try to make friends while you are here.”

With that, my Father left me; his only daughter, to fend for herself, amongst the jungle they call Kindergarten. I searched around, each potential friend didn’t seem right. Everyone had put up a wall as soon as they stepped through the door. Those wretched animals casted me out of the swimming hole, leaving me on my own. However there was one girl who caught my eye, she seemed decent enough. She sat in the corner of the classroom; unmoving, trying to blend in with the wall. She was the chameleon and I, the ugly duckling, trying to become a swan.

“Hello! I’m Jesse!” I put on my biggest smile for her, and my highest voice in hopes of approval. But she barely even looked at me, just nodded and said, “Ronnie.” I assumed that was an invitation and sat down beside her.

“What are you building?”

“A castle.”

“Wow Ronnie, it looks beeeauuutifullll! Can I help?”

“I guess.”

Before I knew it class was over, and my Father was standing at the door. I ran over to him, an waved goodbye to Ronnie.

“How was your first day sweetie?”

“Great! I made a new friend, her name is Ronnie, but she doesn’t talk much. We made a castle, well Ronnie did, but I helped. I can’t wait to go back tomorrow!”

Soon enough tomorrow was today, and I felt no need to cling to my Father’s leg. I came in by myself and sat down right next to Ronnie. Something felt off though, everyone else was in shorts, an t-shirts, but not Ronnie. Ronnie wore jean pants and a thick sweater.

“Aren’t you hot?”

“Um….” Ronnie looked down at her sleeves, tears forming in her eyes. “Can you keep a secret?”

“Of course, I’m an excellent secret keeper. Mommy and me used to share secrets a;; the time, before he passed away; but that’s okay, cause daddy said mommy’s in heaven, that she’s an angel. Angels can keep secrets forever, so I know mine are safe.”

“You can’t tell anyone Jesse, not even your daddy. Do you promise?”

“I super secret swear, cross my heart, and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye…..”

“Okay, okay, you can stop, I’ll tell you already!” Ronnie said while giggling.

Ronnie pulled me to the back of the classroom, and we hid amongst the cubbies. She told me about all the times her daddy hit her. She said it was all her fault that she pushes his buttons and that’s why he gets so mad. I told her over and over, it’s not your fault, but she wouldn’t believe me.

When my father came to pick me up, I said goodbye to Ronnie, and walked straight to the car.

“How was school today Sweetheart?”

“Fine.”

“Just fine? Anything you want to talk about?”

“No.”

The rest of the way home, I just stared out my window. I could feel tears pricking my eye, but I just pushed them aside with my sleeve. Ronnie’s stories kept replaying over and over in my head, I couldn’t grasp why he father got so mad, he had to hit her.

The days quickly turned to weeks, Ronnie’s bruises got worse and worse. She always showed me them, and I always kissed them better. One day Ronnie showed up with a broken arm, that was the final straw for me.

“How was school today Sweetie?”

“Daddy, I need to tell you something, but you have to super secret swear you’ll keep it a secret. Kay?”

“Go ahead Jesse; you know you can tell me anything.”

“Okay, well my friend Ronnie lies, every day. She wears sweaters to cover her bruises, and they’re always getting worse. Ronnie says she is a bad girl and deserves to be hit, but I don’t believe that. In church they teached me, every child is special. That no child is evil, but what about Daddy’s, can Daddy’s be evil?”

“Jesse, you don’t mean to say Ronnie’s father is beating her up do you?”

“Yes, she came to school today with a broken arm.”

My Father got furious when I told him how long I’d known about all this. He said he had to tell my teacher, that Ronnie could indeed be in danger. I pleaded and prayed through sobbing tears, but Daddy said he had to tell Ms. Gage.

The next day he told the teacher, I saw tears in my Father’s eyes for the first time since my Mom died. He and Ms. Gage hugged, and then he walked back over to me. He paused for a moment before saying, “Jesse, hunny, Ronnie won’t be coming to school today.”

“Why not? Is she sick?”

“No, not sick.”

“Did she move away?”

“Not exactly.”

“Then why not Daddy?”

“Ronnie won’t be coming back, but you don’t have to worry about her. She is safe now, up in heaven with Mommy and Jesus. Ronnie’s Daddy will never be able to hurt her again.”

I cried a river that day, and every night since. I never would have guessed that Ronnie’s Daddy would come back, for me. I’m sixteen now, but I never got to play with the other kids. Ronnie’s Daddy has kept me locked up in this basement since that fateful day. There was nothing Daddy could do to save me, Mr. Green killed him too. Now Mommy, Daddy and Ronnie are safe. I hope someday soon Ronnie’s Daddy will push me towards Jesus too. Instead of continuing to beat me to the point of black outs, and then pulling me from the light, just as I’m about to be saved.

I remember what my Father always used to tell me. If you want something, you have to work for it. Well I’m ready to work, if it means being free. Help me to be strong Jesus; for I know the journey could be long, and the road filled with bumps, but I know I’m ready to be saved by you.

Email?

I've decided I'm not going to post anymore of my story Whisper in the Wind. Not that I don't want to share it, just that I don't want all of it out there on the internet where anyone could read it or take it and call it their own. So if you read it as I posted it and still want to read it, I am willing to email it to people lol :)

Anyways this is my writing blog so I'll post something from my memoir to make up for the lack of other writing material. This is the first real incident that occurs....

When we got there all the kids ran over to the swing, all that is, but Dylan and I. I went straight for the huckleberry bush, my picking bucket in hand. Just my luck, Dylan followed. At first I proceeded to pick and ignore him, but he wouldn’t have of it.

“So, do you always do this? Don’t you like to go out and have fun with everyone else?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but no. I’m scared of the swing, and I prefer to pick berries, ALONE.”

“I can take a hint you know, but I’m still staying. So what’s your underwear like today?” He brought his hand to my pants and pulled the front of my jeans forward; to take a peak. I slapped his hand away, but he brought it right back, and began rubbing the top of my panties.

“What the hell do you think you are doing?”

“Monkeys, huh? Cute.” He gave me another one of his creepy grins that sent shivers down my spine.

“I’m not sure who you think you are, but get the Fuck away from me!” I began to run, but Dylan grabbed hold of my wrist and yanked me back. Terror ran through me, quickly I threw my body to the floor. The force caused Dylan’s grip on me to loosen and I ran as fast as I could over to the group. Sheer terror was on my face, and everyone could see it. They looked at me, asked once if anything was wrong, my lie seemed to satisfy them. Not once did they ask that question again, for the whole afternoon, even though clearly something was in fact wrong.

Once the afternoon passed, and evening came about, everyone discussed finally heading out to Stewart to set up camp. So we all dispersed, this time I travelled there with my Dad and brothers,

Random part in Whisper in the Wind.

Aiden leans toward me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders, and kisses me long and hard. This, right here, right now, is what I've waited for, for so long, this moment, right here, feels like perfection. A thousand memories of Aiden and I flood my mind, each one as beautiful as the last. How could I ever have not wanted this? Everything about him sets me off in the best way possible, for a second I'll let myself forget all the times he has broken me. All the times Aiden led me on, shut me out; after all he did it all for me, he knew he was poison and that I should stay away. Really though, when have I ever listened to logic?

Whisper in the Wind part 2 !

In my desperation to figure things out I turn my computer on and log onto my hotmail account. The first thing I do is email Aiden; I need to see if he feels the same way as me.

To: PhysicallyAiden@hotmail.com
From: SociallyAwkwardGurl@hotmail.com
Subject: Ever think about me?

So it finally happened, Ethan and I broke up. This could be permanent, depending on your reply to this message. I really like you Aiden, I know you know that already, but I want to make sure you understand it. Honestly speaking I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand, and kiss you any time of the day. To be able to tell you how I’m feeling and have you comfort me in a boyfriend way instead of our usual friend way. Maybe you don’t understand how strong my feelings are; because I’m willing to give up the one I love for you. Things between us aren’t the same are they used to be, you know? We seem to be fighting a lot, sometimes it’s over my feelings for you. I just want you to consider me, because I would easily give up everything for you.

To: SociallyAwkwardGurl@hotmail.com
From: PhysicallyAiden@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Ever think about me?

It would be silly of you to throw away your relationship for me. You should never give up the one you love for the one you like. Which is why I must decline your offer; I like you, but I am not willing to be that guy again. The one who tears apart a relationship, for his own benefit. I’m leaving that me in the past, sorry.

Sudden realization anyone?

I am posting this little mind flow I wrote, simply because I have no new stories or parts of ones yet :)

I came to the sudden realization today, I truly am happier than I've been in years; since grade 7 I believe. All day, I've been ecstatic. Finally nothing can hurt me, no more minor break downs over minor problems. My self confidence is back, and it's sky rocketing. I'm somewhat attractive, and I know it! Never would I have guessed I would reach this point. The point where my self confidence radiates, where I can be me, on my own again. There's that word though, Alone.

Alone, it haunts me; yes I just ranted and raved about feeling great, I know. None of which was a lie, I feel amazing, happy, but still something is missing. Like a Puzzle missing a single piece; I crave that piece, I want it back. I'll substitute similar pieces; cram them every which way, trying to create a match. Everyone else can see my tactics are futile, but me, I just carry on trying day in and day out. Until all the edges of me break own, and nothing; not even the original piece can fit anymore. My obsession to feel wanted, to have someone to call my own, to be anything but alone, is blinding me.

So yes, I am happy, and yes I can handle that on my own. But no, I can't handle being alone, and no I can't love, and worst of all, I keep losing sexual tensions, and attraction. Further more I can't fix myself, and I am unwilling to allow others too, guess I'm stuck this time, huh?

Whisper in the Wind

I have started another book already. I have big plans for this one. I wrote a bit of it at first just to get started, and realized the ending was too predictable; so I wrote the ending already in hopes to change all that. Anyways I don't want to give away the story so I'm only going to post what I have wrote so far for the beginning!


Ethan leaned in and kissed me softly, I felt my heart actually melt that day; everyday since has felt like walking on air. The breeze blowing through my hair, I’m steady, sturdy, nothing can break me. I’ve been dating Ethan for seven months now, each one feels like a life time. I’m not sure I’ve ever been happier than I am now. He really, truly understand me, he’s very sweet and kind towards my feelings. It may seem crazy, or even too fast, but I love him, with all my heart. No one else makes me feel the way I do with Ethan, except for maybe…….


5 Months Later

“You know Ethan, if I’m such an inconvenience to you, why don’t you just leave already?”

“I never said you were an inconvenience, I said your new obsession with Aiden needs to stop. You can’t be with both of us, and lately it seems like you only want him. So choose, because I won’t wait around forever.”

Just hearing his name sends chills down my spine. The passionate heat I feel between us sparks, lighting flame upon my surroundings. Ethan’s accusations are true, I’m obsessed, but how could I not be? Aiden is the package deal; he’s got pale blue eyes that sparkle luring me in every time. His hair a dark brown, always swooped to the side; angled just above his eyes. He’s got the innocent, charming boy act, down to a T. I fall for it every time, but like a poisonous flower, he mustn’t be judged upon looks alone. He has a dark persona; he plays nice, gets you hooked, and breaks your heart. Truth is he’s not capable of loving anyone but himself; sometimes I wonder if he can even achieve that. Therefore he never gets attached and never has a reason to stick around.

“Fine Ethan! Just forget it; I think we need a break.”

“Okay, but so you know if you choose to do anything with Aiden during this time, were done, for good.”

I nod to show I understand, but I don’t really understand. How am I supposed to choose between them if I don’t know what it would be like to be with Aiden?

Z in the flesh, or rater exposing some.

Outside the sun is shinning, my friends and I venture out there to do some "Tanning." The last day of school before summer break is finally coming to an end. Just as I go to sit down, something catches my eye, or should I say someone? "Z" comes strolling up on his long board, cuts lining his arms.

"'Z' are you okay, what happened?"

"Just fell off my long-board going down a fucking sweet hill, no big deal."

I lean in anyways and hug him, he smells of cologne and.... Antiseptic? Well at least the cologne portion smells nice. All of a sudden "Z" pulls away and lifts up hi shirt, exposing more open wounds. The look as if they are infected, but "Z" explains that is just medicine and melted flesh, Yummy I know. He then swings his arm in front of my face to show me the gravel melted into his wound.

"Z" glances down at my yearbook, hesitates, and snatches it from me. "Can I sign this? Thanks!"

"Um, sure." Not like I have a choice, but I'll admit, I've always found "Z" to be attractive. So I really don't mind in the slightest. He hands it back to me with the words,"BECKY! HOLYSHIT I'm signing your book because I'm rad, your rad, lets hug!" Written in it, no name, but I'll always remember it was him.

Who would have predicted only two and a half months later "Z" and I would end up dating for a bit? Then end in terrible mess of an argument, agree to be friends, and have him just stop talking to me all together. Funny how life works huh?

Penelope's Inpact.

This new blog is going to be dedicated to memories from my life. From childhood to current. I'm also going to occasionally add in snip bits from the memoir I am sill currently rewriting and hoping to get published. So here's the first piece I will share with you from that.

I Picked up the phone and called Penelope; my secret was eating me up inside. I knew I had to tell someone and who better than the girl I trusted the most to believe me?

“Hello?”

“Penelope, hey, it’s Marissa, you’re at your mom’s work still, right?”

“Yeah I am, why? What’s up?”

“There’s something I need to tell you, I’ll be over in a second.”

My feet carried me over to the restaurant as fast as they could. It was just behind my house so I got there fast; Penelope was already waiting outside for me when I arrived. She led me to her mom’s car and we hopped inside. At first we both sat in silence; I tried to speak a few times, but no words came out. Finally I mustered up just enough courage to blurt out something.

“This summer, my cousin Dylan, Molested me.”

Penelope leaned in and hugged me; I noticed, her expression didn’t change when I told her. This was new to me, it felt weird. When I told Ever, she not only didn’t believe me, but told someone about it. I pulled away, convincing myself I was ready to carry on, but I noticed Penelope would need a minute. She was crying; Penelope truly felt the pain I was going through. I didn’t tell her at the time, but this meant the world to me. One of my biggest fears was that nobody would believe me, that even she wouldn’t believe me.

A single tear pricked my left eye, and my throat began to close on me. I carried on telling my story; I knew if I didn’t get it all out now, I wouldn’t be able to. By the end, Penelope and I both were in hysterics. I looked out side noticing the sun was setting. That meant my dinner would be ready soon. I made Penelope promise not to tell anyone, and headed home, just in time to eat.