I am posting this little mind flow I wrote, simply because I have no new stories or parts of ones yet :)
I came to the sudden realization today, I truly am happier than I've been in years; since grade 7 I believe. All day, I've been ecstatic. Finally nothing can hurt me, no more minor break downs over minor problems. My self confidence is back, and it's sky rocketing. I'm somewhat attractive, and I know it! Never would I have guessed I would reach this point. The point where my self confidence radiates, where I can be me, on my own again. There's that word though, Alone.
Alone, it haunts me; yes I just ranted and raved about feeling great, I know. None of which was a lie, I feel amazing, happy, but still something is missing. Like a Puzzle missing a single piece; I crave that piece, I want it back. I'll substitute similar pieces; cram them every which way, trying to create a match. Everyone else can see my tactics are futile, but me, I just carry on trying day in and day out. Until all the edges of me break own, and nothing; not even the original piece can fit anymore. My obsession to feel wanted, to have someone to call my own, to be anything but alone, is blinding me.
So yes, I am happy, and yes I can handle that on my own. But no, I can't handle being alone, and no I can't love, and worst of all, I keep losing sexual tensions, and attraction. Further more I can't fix myself, and I am unwilling to allow others too, guess I'm stuck this time, huh?
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Whisper in the Wind
I have started another book already. I have big plans for this one. I wrote a bit of it at first just to get started, and realized the ending was too predictable; so I wrote the ending already in hopes to change all that. Anyways I don't want to give away the story so I'm only going to post what I have wrote so far for the beginning!
Ethan leaned in and kissed me softly, I felt my heart actually melt that day; everyday since has felt like walking on air. The breeze blowing through my hair, I’m steady, sturdy, nothing can break me. I’ve been dating Ethan for seven months now, each one feels like a life time. I’m not sure I’ve ever been happier than I am now. He really, truly understand me, he’s very sweet and kind towards my feelings. It may seem crazy, or even too fast, but I love him, with all my heart. No one else makes me feel the way I do with Ethan, except for maybe…….
5 Months Later
“You know Ethan, if I’m such an inconvenience to you, why don’t you just leave already?”
“I never said you were an inconvenience, I said your new obsession with Aiden needs to stop. You can’t be with both of us, and lately it seems like you only want him. So choose, because I won’t wait around forever.”
Just hearing his name sends chills down my spine. The passionate heat I feel between us sparks, lighting flame upon my surroundings. Ethan’s accusations are true, I’m obsessed, but how could I not be? Aiden is the package deal; he’s got pale blue eyes that sparkle luring me in every time. His hair a dark brown, always swooped to the side; angled just above his eyes. He’s got the innocent, charming boy act, down to a T. I fall for it every time, but like a poisonous flower, he mustn’t be judged upon looks alone. He has a dark persona; he plays nice, gets you hooked, and breaks your heart. Truth is he’s not capable of loving anyone but himself; sometimes I wonder if he can even achieve that. Therefore he never gets attached and never has a reason to stick around.
“Fine Ethan! Just forget it; I think we need a break.”
“Okay, but so you know if you choose to do anything with Aiden during this time, were done, for good.”
I nod to show I understand, but I don’t really understand. How am I supposed to choose between them if I don’t know what it would be like to be with Aiden?
Ethan leaned in and kissed me softly, I felt my heart actually melt that day; everyday since has felt like walking on air. The breeze blowing through my hair, I’m steady, sturdy, nothing can break me. I’ve been dating Ethan for seven months now, each one feels like a life time. I’m not sure I’ve ever been happier than I am now. He really, truly understand me, he’s very sweet and kind towards my feelings. It may seem crazy, or even too fast, but I love him, with all my heart. No one else makes me feel the way I do with Ethan, except for maybe…….
5 Months Later
“You know Ethan, if I’m such an inconvenience to you, why don’t you just leave already?”
“I never said you were an inconvenience, I said your new obsession with Aiden needs to stop. You can’t be with both of us, and lately it seems like you only want him. So choose, because I won’t wait around forever.”
Just hearing his name sends chills down my spine. The passionate heat I feel between us sparks, lighting flame upon my surroundings. Ethan’s accusations are true, I’m obsessed, but how could I not be? Aiden is the package deal; he’s got pale blue eyes that sparkle luring me in every time. His hair a dark brown, always swooped to the side; angled just above his eyes. He’s got the innocent, charming boy act, down to a T. I fall for it every time, but like a poisonous flower, he mustn’t be judged upon looks alone. He has a dark persona; he plays nice, gets you hooked, and breaks your heart. Truth is he’s not capable of loving anyone but himself; sometimes I wonder if he can even achieve that. Therefore he never gets attached and never has a reason to stick around.
“Fine Ethan! Just forget it; I think we need a break.”
“Okay, but so you know if you choose to do anything with Aiden during this time, were done, for good.”
I nod to show I understand, but I don’t really understand. How am I supposed to choose between them if I don’t know what it would be like to be with Aiden?
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Z in the flesh, or rater exposing some.
Outside the sun is shinning, my friends and I venture out there to do some "Tanning." The last day of school before summer break is finally coming to an end. Just as I go to sit down, something catches my eye, or should I say someone? "Z" comes strolling up on his long board, cuts lining his arms.
"'Z' are you okay, what happened?"
"Just fell off my long-board going down a fucking sweet hill, no big deal."
I lean in anyways and hug him, he smells of cologne and.... Antiseptic? Well at least the cologne portion smells nice. All of a sudden "Z" pulls away and lifts up hi shirt, exposing more open wounds. The look as if they are infected, but "Z" explains that is just medicine and melted flesh, Yummy I know. He then swings his arm in front of my face to show me the gravel melted into his wound.
"Z" glances down at my yearbook, hesitates, and snatches it from me. "Can I sign this? Thanks!"
"Um, sure." Not like I have a choice, but I'll admit, I've always found "Z" to be attractive. So I really don't mind in the slightest. He hands it back to me with the words,"BECKY! HOLYSHIT I'm signing your book because I'm rad, your rad, lets hug!" Written in it, no name, but I'll always remember it was him.
Who would have predicted only two and a half months later "Z" and I would end up dating for a bit? Then end in terrible mess of an argument, agree to be friends, and have him just stop talking to me all together. Funny how life works huh?
"'Z' are you okay, what happened?"
"Just fell off my long-board going down a fucking sweet hill, no big deal."
I lean in anyways and hug him, he smells of cologne and.... Antiseptic? Well at least the cologne portion smells nice. All of a sudden "Z" pulls away and lifts up hi shirt, exposing more open wounds. The look as if they are infected, but "Z" explains that is just medicine and melted flesh, Yummy I know. He then swings his arm in front of my face to show me the gravel melted into his wound.
"Z" glances down at my yearbook, hesitates, and snatches it from me. "Can I sign this? Thanks!"
"Um, sure." Not like I have a choice, but I'll admit, I've always found "Z" to be attractive. So I really don't mind in the slightest. He hands it back to me with the words,"BECKY! HOLYSHIT I'm signing your book because I'm rad, your rad, lets hug!" Written in it, no name, but I'll always remember it was him.
Who would have predicted only two and a half months later "Z" and I would end up dating for a bit? Then end in terrible mess of an argument, agree to be friends, and have him just stop talking to me all together. Funny how life works huh?
Friday, June 25, 2010
Penelope's Inpact.
This new blog is going to be dedicated to memories from my life. From childhood to current. I'm also going to occasionally add in snip bits from the memoir I am sill currently rewriting and hoping to get published. So here's the first piece I will share with you from that.
I Picked up the phone and called Penelope; my secret was eating me up inside. I knew I had to tell someone and who better than the girl I trusted the most to believe me?
“Hello?”
“Penelope, hey, it’s Marissa, you’re at your mom’s work still, right?”
“Yeah I am, why? What’s up?”
“There’s something I need to tell you, I’ll be over in a second.”
My feet carried me over to the restaurant as fast as they could. It was just behind my house so I got there fast; Penelope was already waiting outside for me when I arrived. She led me to her mom’s car and we hopped inside. At first we both sat in silence; I tried to speak a few times, but no words came out. Finally I mustered up just enough courage to blurt out something.
“This summer, my cousin Dylan, Molested me.”
Penelope leaned in and hugged me; I noticed, her expression didn’t change when I told her. This was new to me, it felt weird. When I told Ever, she not only didn’t believe me, but told someone about it. I pulled away, convincing myself I was ready to carry on, but I noticed Penelope would need a minute. She was crying; Penelope truly felt the pain I was going through. I didn’t tell her at the time, but this meant the world to me. One of my biggest fears was that nobody would believe me, that even she wouldn’t believe me.
A single tear pricked my left eye, and my throat began to close on me. I carried on telling my story; I knew if I didn’t get it all out now, I wouldn’t be able to. By the end, Penelope and I both were in hysterics. I looked out side noticing the sun was setting. That meant my dinner would be ready soon. I made Penelope promise not to tell anyone, and headed home, just in time to eat.
I Picked up the phone and called Penelope; my secret was eating me up inside. I knew I had to tell someone and who better than the girl I trusted the most to believe me?
“Hello?”
“Penelope, hey, it’s Marissa, you’re at your mom’s work still, right?”
“Yeah I am, why? What’s up?”
“There’s something I need to tell you, I’ll be over in a second.”
My feet carried me over to the restaurant as fast as they could. It was just behind my house so I got there fast; Penelope was already waiting outside for me when I arrived. She led me to her mom’s car and we hopped inside. At first we both sat in silence; I tried to speak a few times, but no words came out. Finally I mustered up just enough courage to blurt out something.
“This summer, my cousin Dylan, Molested me.”
Penelope leaned in and hugged me; I noticed, her expression didn’t change when I told her. This was new to me, it felt weird. When I told Ever, she not only didn’t believe me, but told someone about it. I pulled away, convincing myself I was ready to carry on, but I noticed Penelope would need a minute. She was crying; Penelope truly felt the pain I was going through. I didn’t tell her at the time, but this meant the world to me. One of my biggest fears was that nobody would believe me, that even she wouldn’t believe me.
A single tear pricked my left eye, and my throat began to close on me. I carried on telling my story; I knew if I didn’t get it all out now, I wouldn’t be able to. By the end, Penelope and I both were in hysterics. I looked out side noticing the sun was setting. That meant my dinner would be ready soon. I made Penelope promise not to tell anyone, and headed home, just in time to eat.
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